Last evening, I committed one of the worst sins imaginable. It was a sin worse than murder, even worse than being a pagan. On the 21 July 1692, I committed adultery. To make matters worse, the man I committed adultery with was a married man! Although I know I should repent and do penance for my sin, I will not. This may sound strange, Diary, but I think I maybe in love with John Proctor. No! In fact, I know. I am in love with John Proctor, and he loves me. I know this because of last evening’s events, and these events will forever change me.
I have been working in the Proctor house for six months. John seemed to have taken a liking to me from the start. I know this from the look in his eyes when he looks at me. Just the thought of the look can take my breath away. On the other hand, Goody Proctor seems to have never taken a liking to me. She is not cruel and she does not mistreat me, but she appears to have reservations about me. She must know her husband secretly desires me. Goody Proctor has been bed ridden for the past several weeks. The doctor says it is some sort of illness and it would take weeks for it to go away.
Because she has been bed ridden, the house has not been running as smoothly. I will admit that I have begun slacking on my chores because she has not been supervising my work. Since Goody Proctor was not up, I decided last night that I would begin working on a sewing sampler. While I was bringing my needle through the fabric, I felt someone’s breath on the back of my neck. It was John. He bent down and began to breathe into my ear. I had never felt so tranquil. I felt safe in John’s presence. I closed my eyes, hoping to hear the soothing voice of John’s. John began to speak.
He whispered in my ear, “Will you meet me in the barn this evening after dark? I need your help. ” Before I could even utter, “Yes,” he had left. I was left excited and puzzled. I did not understand why John would ask me such a favor in a seductive manner, but I did not care. I started realizing I was right; John Proctor secretly desired me. Until it was dark, I spent my time grooming. I changed from my ratty work clothes into one of my Sunday dresses. It was a green satin dress. I brushed my hair and decided I was not going to wear my silly hair bonnet; instead, I would wear my hair down.
I tied a green ribbon in my hair. Before leaving, I slipped my petite feet into my only pair of dress shoes. When night finally fell, I went out to the barn to meet John. I entered the barn and John was not there. I sat on top of a bail of hay while waiting for him. I waited, and waited. I began to wonder if John was even coming. I thought of going to the house to see if he was there, but I decided it was best to wait. I had to remember John was my master, and I was his servant. He asked a favor of me, and I agreed upon helping; I had to stay.
I continued sitting on the bail of hay, and I heard a man’s voice yelling, “Abbey! Abbey! ” I thought to myself that John calling my name. I turned around to see a man, John, standing in the entrance of the barn. I stood up, and ran to his side. I tried to speak, but John, instead, took me in his arms and began to kiss me. The evening began with a single kiss, and ended in me giving myself to John. I was extremely nervous. I had never been kiss, let alone give myself to a man; however, John talked and laughed with me throughout.
John made me feel safe and secure. When I am with John, I feel loved. I have never felt loved in my life, not by anyone. I never thought I deserved to know love. John is the first person who has truly loved me. It felt right when I gave myself to John. It felt right because I feel a mutual love and respect between John and I. Diary, I must go to bed. I am tired, and as I continue to write, the candle continues to burn. The wax of the candle is dripping onto your pages. I will write again soon. For now, goodnight.