Loneliness

As child I was always very happy. My childhood was wonderful, and although I was an only child I was never alone, and I thought that I would never be alone until recently. My parents were always there for me, they gave me support and reassurance whenever I need it and they encouraged me to believe that I could do anything that I wanted to do.

When I was ten I told them both that I wanted to be a doctor, I think they were pleased by this because they were always saying that I could do, although what pleased them the most that I had ambition and that I wasn’t going to end up in a dead end job that wasn’t going anywhere that I hated, either way they were happy. With all this love and attention you could say I was spoilt, but I don’t think I was, I don’t think that you can ever have too much love but, as I was later to find out, you can sometimes not have enough.

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When I was fifthteen my parents died in a train crash, as you can imagine this was a horrific time for me and for the first time in my life I was alone. For the first week of my loneliness I stayed with my grandma, she was always really nice to me. I was her only grand-daughter so she spoilt me rotten all week. Although we loved spending time together I couldn’t stay there permanently as it was too far from me school, and I couldn’t change schools because I was in the middle of my GCSE’s, however once I had finished them I could move back in with her.

I was to stay with my aunt until I finish school. Even though she lived quite close to my old house I’d only ever seen her once when I was very small. My grandma said this was because my parents didn’t get on well with her, but because she is the only relative who lived close to my school I didn’t have much of a choice. My aunt came with her sixteen year old stepson to help me collect my belongings. My aunt, Sarah, seemed to be very pleasant and I couldn’t see why my parents and her didn’t get on. Her stepson Sam wasn’t as welcoming.

I suppose, like me, he wasn’t used to sharing the attention which I could completely sympathize with, so I tried not to make too much of a fuss and settle in easily. When we got to, what I would now call home, I realized why Sam was so unwelcoming to me. The house was tiny, it couldn’t have had more than two bedrooms, this is when Sarah told me that I would be sharing a room with Sam. The word sharing had never entered my vocabulary, I’d never had to share anything, I know it sounds selfish but I don’t think I even knew how to share, but If Sam was willing to do this, then so was I.

When we got inside, Sarah left me and Sam to get to know each other. His room was surprisingly big. They had already positioned a bed nicely on the other side of the room with a bedside table next to it with flowers on it. For a boys room it wasn’t to bad, there were a few clothes chucked on the bed and it looked like it had never been cleaned, but it didn’t smell and from the posters on the wall it looked like he listen to same music as me, so things were looking up. “So, your parents died, that sucks! ” Sam’s words of wisdom were surprisingly comforting since I dint think that he would talk to me at all.

I looked at him and smiled, I think it was the first time I smiled since they had died, “You have to share a room with me that must suck! ” I was still smiling once I had said that and now so was he; maybe I wasn’t going to be so alone after all. After I had unpacked Sam and I were called down for dinner. It was pasta with a tomato sauce, I didn’t have the heart to tell Sarah I didn’t like tomatoes, so I ate it anyway. After forcing the dinner down, Sarah asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, and I said with some pride “I’m going to be a doctor. ” Normally when I say this people say “Oh, that’s nice dear.

Or “I can see you being a doctor. ” But Sarah just laughed and said, “you’ll never be a doctor, why don’t you set you sights a little lower, at least then you wont be disappointed. ” I didn’t no what to say, id never had a un-encouraging word said against me, I replied with, “I didn’t ask for your opinion, I said that I’m going to be a doctor and I will. ” And with that she hit me across the face and screamed at me to go up stairs and not to come down. I was in shock, what had I done wrong, I know that I was a bit rude but I didn’t deserve that. Sam came up a few moments later with some ice cubes wrapped up in a towel.

“Are you ok? his voice was comforting to me, but I still couldn’t speak so I just nodded. Sam sat down on the bed and told me that since his dad left them Sarah was always on the edge and it took only a little thing to push her off and then she would go berserk and hit him. I could see in his face that he was scared off her and so was I. Now more than ever I missed my parents. After a few of living with Sam and Sarah I was completely different person. I had no confidence, she had taken all that away from me. As for the reassurance I always need I didn’t get any of that from her. Sam was great, he helped me through it all and I think that I help him too.

We were like siblings and best friends all rolled into one, but even though I had Sam I didn’t get that love and attention that my parents used to provide. My schoolwork was surprisingly still going strong and with only three weeks until my GCSE’s I was studding hard. Sam was a great help, he used to revise with me and defend me whenever Sarah put me down. Although my school work was A* material, I didn’t have the encouragement that I need to get me through the exams, all I need was for my parents to say “I know that you’re going to do well, and you should believe that too.

And I know that I would be fine, but I wasn’t. Two days before my first exam and the pressure was building up. Sam had gone away for the week and I felt so alone. I hadn’t felt this alone since my parents had died. I tried to stay out of Sarah’s way as much as possible, but when I couldn’t I was pleasant. She was like a time bomb and every once in a while she would explode and you just hope you not in her way, but on this spersific day I was. I had been revising all day and I went down stairs to make a cup of tea, it always used to refresh me.

Sarah was in the kitchen cleaning the floor, I said hello to her and made myself the tea, but as I got the milk out of the fridge it slipped out of my hand and smashed on the floor. Sarah glared at me and started to pick up the pieces of glass, “I’m so sorry, I’ve just been revising so hard and it just slipped. ” I said this as I started to pick up the pieces of glass as well. She looked at me “so you dropped it because you were revising? Are you stupid? ” Sarah then with the piece of glass that she had in her hand she slashed me across the face with it.

It hurt so much that I didn’t hear the rest of what she was saying, but she was screaming. Id never seen her this mad, she was just yelling and screaming at the top of her voice, then she stopped. She grabbed the matches that were on the kitchen side and then disappeared upstairs. I followed her up to find her in Sam and mines bedroom. She had set alight to all of my revision notes, she had gone crazy. I ran downstairs and out of the house to our next-door neighbour who was a little old woman who was always really nice. I told her to call the fire brigade. I waited outside for, what felt like, forever.

Sarah never came out of the house ad by the time the fire brigade got there, there wasn’t much of the house left. They never found Sarah’s body, they said she must have stayed in that room and just burned to death. The police of course wanted to talk to me, but they believed me when I told them especially when Sam came and told then what she was like. Even though I never liked her, I never wished her dead and I felt sorry for her, she was obveriously just lonely, just like Sam and I. Sam and I went to live with my grandma, she said that I had changed in appearance and personality and she was right I had.

That August I got my exam results and my parents would have been proud. I didn’t do to bad considering what happened only two days before, but do know that I could have done better. I have this dream that one day someone will fill this hole inside of me, this loneliness will fade and I will be truly happy again. But this is just a dream because no matter how much you live someone they can never replace your parents. My parents were my safety net, my reassurance. My encouragement and now I don’t know where to get that from, so this aloneness looks as if it will be with me forever, and I may get used to it, but I’ll never like it.