An inexperienced gym-person will probably slug out sweat, rip his lungs and embrace pain to work out. An experienced gym-person will probably never ever want to look at the gym again. And a brand-new-gym-person will probably not realize that he now qualifies for confinement in a mental asylum…
Gyms are the scourge of the nation! And as for the people who exercise in gyms – they are evil people. I don’t like them. Well, at least I think I don’t. I don’t really have a friend who’s a gymmer…nor would I be anything but dead with embarrassment if I ever knew one! Forget the noise pollution of the piggish grunts! Forget the nose infections caused by the sweaty armpits, and even-stinkier undergarments! You, with tremendous effort of will, might even forget the blasted offence to the eyes by looking at a typical body-builder. Not because they resemble overgrown hamsters, huffing and puffing wherever you look, honor-bound to their bicep machines, like samurai on a suicide mission. No, it’s because if you look at them, they might look at you: and then get to their senses, and realize that they should immediately speed away from their treadmill and start acting like us normal civilized humans.
Nevertheless, some companies are born in gyms. ‘Protein biscuits’, a sophisticated name for ‘Dog biscuits’, and Red Bull Energy drinks are sold extremely well to… .Well, people who remarkably look like angry vermillion bulls sweating like dogs – aka bodybuilders! The gym blight isn’t even sparing the planet: submarines and airplanes now carry the infestation as well! ‘Thou shall not murder!’ is reference to the 10 commandments. More than global warming, earthquakes or even atomic destruction, the threat that endeavors to murder our planet – gyms – should be decimated!
Just as nicotine attracts smokers, what attracts this far-more-dangerous-breed of furious-fitness-freak gym enthusiasts? Here are some of their principal ‘raison d’ï¿½tre’ or ‘reason to be’:
1. Gymming is good exercise:
And so is swimming through swamps with your fins! Man strove to evolve through hundreds of centuries, just so they could exert less pain, inflict less sweating and create less self- derogatory bodily harm. Are we going to grind the morals of our ancestors to dust, just so we can satisfy a new lunatic-fad group of people lifting two hula-hoops on sticks? Are we going to change our very reason of existence, just so we can ignore our sports of time ( read football, cricket and every sport other than those starting with a g-y-m) for some excruciating exercise of self destructions ( again read g-y-m). Then again, I suppose the cavemen back in 10000 BC might have tried to exercise with rock slabs. In today’s gym, nothing nearly that sophisticated is used.
2. Gymming makes our muscles strong:
Body builders have a 100% upper body /0% lower body weight distribution. This phenomenon is often seen on ‘Animal Planet’s Funniest Animals’ is created through only working on the easy-to-show-off biceps. This causes immobility as the legs cannot work with the upper body bulk. However, this is countered by then working out solely on the leg muscles – which then creates a 0% upper body/ 100% lower body weight distribution – making sure the legs are too absurd in either scenario to move the body anyways!
3. Gymming looks cool to the opposite sex:
Ah, at last, the true passion of body building: the theory of biceps being beautiful! Girls are sure to go wacko over us if we have bodies that abnormally bulge bizarrely in all the wrong places, or so say the average bodybuilders, who envision that lifting weights high and thus showing-off their extraordinarily sweaty hairy armpits is lustrous…. – what else can u expect of a breed of dimwits whose sole purpose in life is to dream about having a sumo-wrestler’s muscle (or tummy more like it!) The final fact is chics just don’t have time for guys who can only find time for the gym. I’m sorry, Mr. “Cool” Gymmer, for your ‘Muscles are Macho’ idealism could rival even Einstein’s in theory. In theory only! In practicality, gym theorems struggle to compete with those made by the muddy-piggy-on-the-street, which coincidentally happens to have a better body odor…
4. Gymming is safe:
Equipment in gyms have a close affinity with bones. Broken bones! Every little spoink on a bicep-builder, per se, offers you the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get an everlasting residence visa in the local hospital’s ICU! The first knob is illustrated in the manual, but not on the machine. The second knob is to lower the dumbbell down – more like drop it on your now-just-broken-foot. No one knows what the third knob is for. Bicep-builders also boast of a fourth knob, which can break your bones more efficiently than even the second one can.
Here are the 5 main reasons teen-gymmers tell their dads how they break their bones:
1. “I fell down trying lift weights.”
2. “I fell down trying lift weights.”
3. “I fell down trying lift weights.”
4. “I fell down trying lift weights.”
5. “I was working so hard at the gym that, honestly Dad, a cute chic walked past and winked at me, so I fell down love-struck, trying to lift weights.”
However, in the end you can’t truly appreciate the dictionary definition of ‘stupid’, until you observe a body-builder grit his teeth in agony in the confines of a gym…and you won’t enjoy it half as much, unless you bring a few friends along to laugh alongside you.